You made me cry and you don't even care
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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