if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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