My first STD was from a foam party
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
