not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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