standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she told me i tasted like america
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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