After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
