So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I smell like Dick and happiness
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
