you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
