do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
