dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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