i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
