i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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