What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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