I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
