New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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