guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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