Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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