im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
