does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
