Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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