my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
