There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
