I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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