Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
