i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
