there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
