I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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