I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
