Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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