I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
