apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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