hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
