remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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