you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
