bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
