I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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