I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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