just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
