why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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