you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
