Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
