No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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