Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
