my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
