Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
