I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
