worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Houston, we have a blender
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
