apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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