I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
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