In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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