Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
