Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize