I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
