I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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