Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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