Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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