Old men and throwing up are my life now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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