Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
